‘Healthy boundaries are self-esteem personified.’
Blog Post written by resident Psychotherapist Grace Hopkins
What are relational boundaries?
- Boundaries are your personal self-protection and preservation system.
- They foster self esteem and connect you to your values.
- Boundaries are guidelines for your self-expression.
- Boundaries also support you to contain your thoughts and feelings in order to be appropriate and respectful with others.
Types of Boundaries
External Boundaries
- Protects the body and regulates distance and touch.
- Might let you know when you are standing too close to someone or don’t want to be touched.
- Will be impacted by your cultural norms.
Internal boundaries
- Protect and contain your thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
- Support you to listen to others and decide what is relevant for you.
- Hunger or tiredness cues are internal boundaries too!
Benefits of Boundaries
- Boundaries keep you emotionally, psychologically and physically safe.
- Boundaries are a guide for your behaviour and limitations, allowing you to know who you are and what you are capable of.
- They are not to control how others behave but rather to teach people how you like to be loved. They also allow us to share appropriately.
Boundaries from Childhood through Adulthood
As a child
In an ideal childhood your caregiver modelled healthy boundary setting to you, in how they honoured their own boundaries and in their responses to you and your needs. Modelling in this way facilitates self-awareness and autonomy.
‘If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.’ Brené Brown
Boundaries which are ignored or minimized can be profoundly damaging. A Childs self-esteem is impaired as they don’t learn how to recognize and assert their boundaries. The belief develops that they are worthless, that boundaries aren’t safe or relevant.
As an Adult
This translates to invulnerability (struggling to accept support and love or ask for it), fawn response (people pleasing, over apologizing, saying yes when you mean no), dissociation, addiction, depression, anxiety and co-dependency.
These creative adaptations are a ‘human being’s desperate attempt to solve a problem: the problem of emotional pain, of overwhelming stress, of lost connection, of loss of control, of a deep discomfort with the self’ (Gabor Maté), but continuing in these states is self-limiting and painful.
Boundaries weaponized in relationships
When someone senses they need to protect themselves, control outcomes or avoid intimacy or accountability, their defences (anything we do to avoid feeling) act as a block or wall but they might refer to their behaviour as a boundary.
Maybe they share ‘I’m putting up a boundary about that’ or ‘that’s my boundary’ this creates the pause they might need but without further exploration, it can be a way to avoid healthy conflict and deeper understanding.
How to stay connected and boundaried
- Validate your own reality ‘it’s ok to have strong feelings about this, I feel hurt or unseen.’
- Consider why their words or actions provoked you; often this connects to our past experiences and the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
- The next step requires vulnerability and trust, if it is possible, share your thoughts and feelings with the other person without any expectation about their response. Share to be seen by them.
You are actively allowing in what nourishes you and rejecting anything that doesn’t belong to you (others feelings, opinions, comments). With time and practice, you get to decide what permeates the boundary and what stays out.
‘We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin.’ Brené Brown
How do I recognize and cultivate my boundaries?
Self-awareness is the key, lets starts with feelings and body sensations:
- What does anger feel like in your body?
- Where in your body do you feel anger?
- What colour, temperature or texture is it?
- Is there an image or a memory?
- What physical impulse do you notice?
Building familiarity with how these emotions are experienced, their role and function, will guide you on what actions to take next. Anger lets us know a boundary has been crossed or there’s injustice.
What if I can’t connect to feelings, Grace?
Well, there are many ways to work with a hypoaroused nervous system – one which feels numb, disconnected and shut down. From a Polyvagal perspective, we’d gently activate your nervous system through the senses i.e. movement, sound, olfactory (smell) and consider the role of connection and solitude in your life.
Secondly, its’ helpful to understand your personal values:
- What interests you?
- What brings you joy?
Distilling your interests is self-esteeming, and internal boundaries determine how much or little you need and want to engage in any activity, being able to say ‘No thanks, that’s enough for me’ or ‘yes, count me in.’
Boundaries as building blocks for life
Intact boundary systems serve as a foundation for navigating yourself and your relationships.
- • How aligned are you with your boundaries?
- In what settings / relationships do you routinely sabotage or abandon yourself?
- Which boundaries seem clear and strong?
What would we work on in therapy?
- Building emotional safety and self-awareness to enable you to go deeper, reach across the divide for the connection and intimacy you long for (instead of being lost behind an emotional wall.)
- Uncover the unhelpful beliefs that drive your behaviour.
- Recognise the adaptations and defences that have helped you to survive this far (but not thrive).
- Identify and experience emotions in real time – not just talking about feelings but feeling them.
- Then, strengthen or soften the boundaries through somatic practices, finding the healthiest ways to communicate to others; saying no without guilt or anger.
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.’ Prentis Hemphill
Until we next meet, go well! Grace x
You can find Grace at pH Clinic on Tuesdays between 8am-8pm. Click here to learn more about Psychotherapy and book your appointment.
